I don’t know who came up with the idea of marriage – but, for many of us it isn’t working so well. The idea of spending your entire life with one person – marrying in your twenties usually – is a fantasy. The fairy-tale married life doesn’t exist. It might exist for a short time – months or a year or so, but not over your lifetime. You can’t even get along with your family – your brothers and sisters well enough to live with them for 30 or 50 years – why would you think you could live with anyone else for that long?
Besides the obvious reasons to get divorced – like your spouse hits you, rapes you, fondles your children or is otherwise a social or psychopathic deviate there are other reasons to get divorced.
Here are some reasons to get divorced you might not believe in – but I firmly do…
1. Your spouse is so focused on money that they don’t see straight. Money is their god, their life, their true marriage. Everything you do or don’t do is related to money. If your spouse is that focused on money – you will be too. How could you go unaffected? Before long you too will start thinking about money every waking minute maybe not because you care about it – but because the person you love – does. It’s a horrible way to go through life… Stop the madness – it only gets worse later.
2. You realize your spouse married you FOR your money. Time to call a spade a spade and jump ship. Marriage is supposed to be for love, yes?
3. Your spouse’s personality changes dramatically for the worse after marriage. Sure, you can try therapy for a couple of months – but you know what? Many people change dramatically after they are married. It’s their natural personality bubbling to the surface. If it’s not good bubbly it’s going to give you 30-50 years of hell. Better to cut your losses after all – the person you thought you were marrying is not that person. You’re not incarcerated with that person for the rest of your life because you got married under false pretenses.
4. Your spouse begins to take drugs or returns to taking drugs. For me – this would mean pot – or alcohol as well. If you’re not taking drugs – then you don’t deserve someone that is. Why? You’re on the losing side of that oncoming freight train. You’ll be put second to your spouse’s habit. It’s VERY difficult to compete with drugs. To be a fighter in this match, is to be a loser. Try your best to get your spouse some help and then go find someone clean that doesn’t need drugs to screw up both your lives.
5. You find out your spouse has a secret girlfriend or sex partner. Some people can handle if their spouse cheats on them once. I wouldn’t – but, some can. If you can handle it – great. Give one more chance. Next time let the hammer drop. What is the POINT of marriage when you’re not exclusive? Remain single and screw until you’re blue – up to you. I’ve never seen a marriage work where one partner was unfaithful more than once.
6. When one or both of you realize you’re unhappy, stuck in a rut, and you’re not willing to do what it takes to snap out of it. Most marriages reach a point – or multiple points, where one or both partners look at each other and ask themselves – why are we married? If you can’t answer that with, “Because we’re best friends and want to spend the rest of our lives together living just like we are…” then you’re probably not right for each other and it’s time to change everything radically or, divorce.
Try moving across the country. Try moving to another country. Shake the game up a little bit. Twenty years of marriage in which one or both of you are bored and stuck in routines must not be the ideal for anyone. Change it or go your separate ways.
7. The level of respect your spouse gives you – drops. This is probably a common problem. When you first meet someone you’re falling in love with – you treat them as if they are god. You watch everything you do and say, presenting an image that they too can love. You’re in the fairy-tale stage and neither is really seeing the other person’s true colors. True colors surface sometime late in the first year of marriage, definitely by the second year. When you first call your spouse the F word or C word, SOB, or something else hatefully inspired and morally reprehensible.
If that ever happens – wow, it’s a serious road to recovery to gain back what you used to have. There must be a baseline level of respect that is just never crossed. If you wouldn’t call your mom the name, you can never call your spouse it or the marriage is all but lost.
You might be able to pull the relationship together again if you both try really hard. You might not be able to. It’s a deathblow when it happens – so, avoid it!
8. Lack of sex. If it’s too little for you – and you can foresee a time when you’re going to start cheating on your spouse there are only two options: A.) Try your damnedest to get your spouse interested in what you have to offer – and there are many ways to do this, I’m not expert – you’ll have to Google it. Or, B.) Divorce. There’s not another solution. If you can’t satisfy your urges on your own time and make that good enough – you’ll need to divorce because the sex drive is unstoppable in some people. Physically it’s a very simple thing – think of it as tickling yourself until you can’t stand it. That’s all sex really is. Mentally there’s zillions of brain cells being wasted on the subject and they won’t lose the battle for long. Eventually you’ll cheat.
9. Your spouse starts gambling, or increases gambling. Gambling is a very serious addiction. Once it takes hold of the person it can ruin their life. It’s so strange that something that is so hard to win consistently can wreck someone’s life… but that’s the way our brains are wired. Inconsistent reward is the strongest predictor of behavior. A person will gamble their entire life – and lose countless dollars just for the chance to win a lot of money.
Gambling affects the marriage in a bad way. If your husband or wife starts gambling and you can stop it quickly – there’s a chance it won’t ruin your marriage. If your spouse is a gambler already – give a chance, but never two, and get out while you’ve still got your pants on.
10. Your spouse is a liar. If you can’t trust your spouse – who can you trust? If you’ve caught your spouse in more than a handful of lies about a subject that means something then you’ve got to get out of that game. The game he or she is playing is the “I do as I wish and tell you whatever I wish to pacify you” game. You’re a big loser in that game too because you’re not an active player – you’re a non-participatory player. In other words – you’re never a winner. Get out and find a different game.
Some of these reasons to get divorced might seem trivial to you. To me, they’re not at all. You have one life to live – as far as anyone knows. What you do with it – is up to you. If you’re not as happy as you could be – then you’re wasting your life. You’re spending time in a state of mind that isn’t optimal.
WHY would you spend even one-half of one-year in that state?
Of course you’d try to help your partner through whatever mess he-she is in – but you know what? It’s not your job or responsibility to take care of any adult children for the rest of your life. You can and maybe should try like hell for 2-3 months and see what happens.
Does your spouse want to help him-herself?
If not – you’d better get out before he or she sucks you into the vortex of their dysfunction. It’s like downward spiraling dirty water in a toilet bowl… it will suck you in.
I say, “Jump out before you go under…”
Best of Life!
Best place to move after a divorce? Hawaii.
Photo credit: Pinkspleen at flickr.com