Networking with others is one of those things that most people have a hard time with. I’m one of them. I don’t really know what I’m supposed to be doing while I’m networking.

What is networking? Why do I need it? Why should I go somewhere I don’t want to go to meet people I don’t want to meet?

With the exception of working with adults and teens with schizophrenia, multiple personality disorder and traumatic brain injury (TBI) for six years during undergrad and graduate study I wouldn’t consider myself a “people person” at the workplace. When I’m working I do it best alone, working on my projects… optimizing them so I get the highest number of visitors to the websites of those I”m working for - or for my own sites as half the time I am self-employed and have numerous websites and blogs going.

In 2002 I thought I wanted to make the transition from Internet Marketing Consultant, working on my own and doing short 2-6 month contracts with companies that needed help with their online efforts to “Marketing Manager” with a resort management company on the Island of Maui in Hawaii.

It seemed like a perfect match at first. I was well-versed in everything they needed to get cranking online and they had done virtually nothing over the years to keep up with other major resorts on Maui like Hilton and Sheraton. I knew I could help them a LOT. That was exciting for me because if I take a project on I want to be able to help a lot. To be a token player isn’t what gets me excited about going to work everyday, it’s all about how much success I can bring to the company with my efforts.

Part of the job involved meeting people in the community that my employer already had established relationships with. I was invited for cruises and helicopter rides gratis in the hopes that I would influence visitors to our resorts when it came time for them to choose fun things to do on Maui.

I realized after a short time of meeting people in the course of my work that I really didn’t enjoy most of them that much. There we were on Maui, one of the most naturally breathtaking and relaxation inducing islands in the world and these people were like amped up real estate agents. They were there on Maui to make cash and climb the corporate ladder in whatever organization they belonged to. There were attempts by some to be manipulative and domineering… there was backstabbing by some. In general I found it be a very strange experience. I thought I was going to be surrounded by ‘real people’ that genuinely cared about each other and were wrapped up in living an awesome lifestyle on Maui. What I found was quite a different reality, one that sucked quite frankly.

The sales director had asked me to create an online marketing plan so they could get an idea what needed done in order to remain competitive in their market online. I focused more on that - on the numbers, on the possibilities and I really enjoyed that. I realized - I’m NOT a Marketing Manager at a resort management firm - it’s just not me. I’m a geek on the computer - that’s what I love. That’s what I do best. I manipulate pluses and minuses, Google Search and sales flow… not people. I don’t have an interest in people games. I am too genuine a person to play games in my own personal life and I’d never think of doing it and getting paid for it either. It just isn’t enjoyable. My life has been focused on the “enjoyable” for as long as I can remember. It wasn’t going to change with this plush position.

I created the plan and gave it to the sales director. Her face dropped as she read through it. After review by the three owners of the company she told me that it was quite an extensive plan that they would get started on - but that there was no way they would be spending anything close to the $150,000 USD on internet marketing I recommended for the coming year. I explained that this was the minimum they needed to begin to make back some ground the competitors were already running all over. I tried to get them to understand the urgency of it - and they couldn’t grasp the concept. I quickly handed in my resignation. This was only a couple months after joining them.

I must be successful if I’m staying in a job. Especially a job I don’t really care for. How can I stay and pretend to be marketing manager if the company doesn’t believe in the reality of their online situation? I need to shine like a supernova - not a star in the Little Dipper. They weren’t taking online marketing seriously and to me it was everything.

It was good that at that same time I realized I wasn’t cut out for a job that involved serious networking with people I didn’t like while working as an employee.

I’ve never particularly enjoyed it while working for myself either but recently it’s taken a new turn.

When I arrived in Thailand I thought I’d find lots of go-getters from countries all over the world looking to make their mark in a place that afforded them a lot of free time to do as they wished. That was me anyway. I was looking forward to relaxing for a year, erasing decades of stress, and then getting started in earnest on the focus of the rest of my life - writing online.

What I found here in Thailand was a lot of people that also came to relax and erase the stress of living back in their home countries. They wanted to really relax. And relax. And take it easy. Relax some more. Have a beer. Smoke some pot. Relax a bit. Take it easy some more…

There are not that many motivated people or people concerned about their own personal development in this country at all - least of all the Thais! I think most expats living in Thailand consider it a life-long Spring Break. They’re living a never-ending party that their $1200-3000 checks every month afford them. You can live like royalty on $1200 per month in Thailand. You can have a car, house, and drink every night and watch soccer on TV. You can eat out at restaurants everyday - enjoying some of the most amazing Thai food you’ve ever had! If you’re sixty years old you can have a 20 year old girlfriend - it’s become the norm here. One never really gets comfortable seeing it this way. It’s almost like Walt Disney World for old men.

In almost four years here I’ve met a small group of expats and visitors I’d consider friends. I’ve met about four people I’d consider motivated to achieve something more in their lives.

I realized that I needed to start networking with other people online or I was going to be resource bankrupt by the time I got back to the USA. I’d not kept in touch with many people I formerly had business or professional relationships with. I could name 100 people right now that I should have stayed in contact with at least a few times a year.

Enter Facebook.com. Originally I thought it was a dating site and ignored it. Then I got a request from a male friend to join it. I thought - hmm… OK, maybe it’s not a dating site. I joined. I was overwhelmed with the nonsensical outlay of it all. What to do with it? I think it’s pretty unintuitive - and only recently have I found out how to add photos that didn’t change my avatar to whatever photo I uploaded.

Now I’ve been on there for maybe 6 months. Only recently have I really started to take a look at what I can do with it. I’ve found some old friends and contacts. There’s a lot more people to contact, but I’m actually enjoying finding these people that used to be close friends - even family. It’s amazing to me that finally we’ve reached a place in the online development of things where we can add friends and business contacts to a group online and it’s not a business environment at all. It’s friendly.

If you’re one of my Facebook.com friends you’ll see that I share blog posts from Aim for Awesome on there regularly. I’ve already had comments from friends about videos and articles I’ve posted. My mom even found one of my posts and wrote a very long comment about her own experience with life that I’d never have known had I not written about it on AfA.

At least once a week I’m blown away by a friend request from someone I haven’t heard from in decades. Recently it was a girl I met in Hawaii when I was 19! Wow, she remembered my last name? Unbelievable. Then there are the photos that are easily shared. Facebook updates your own page when one of your friends updates with photos or writes on their own wall - like a status update. I’m constantly reminded that my friend is there and living life like I am here. I learn new things about them as I sign in and see what they’re up to. It’s non-intrusive because you could choose to cancel notices if you wanted - but what for? Might as well see what everyone is up to.

So - why do you need this?

The other day I found a friend on Facebook - I had sold him a couple online businesses years before and I was just trying to add him to my friends group.

We’ve been talking through email and as it turns out he really needs a lot of help to get one of the sites back up in Google. He tried some other companies for SEO and found success for a while but realized another major effort was needed.

I haven’t done much optimization for other people over the last year because I choose who I do it for now. I only really do it for past clients and friends that I want to help. If you get to know me as a friend and need something in this area - I will probably offer to do it for you. Maybe. Lol.

If I wasn’t available to do something for my friend I know other people that could do it for him that I trust - that I could refer him to.

Networking is a MUST because of this one idea… you need to TRUST someone to do important things for you - whenever possible. Use someone that you know or that knows someone that they trust to do something for you.

In a business you need to do MANY things. Those things that you do with others that you trust are no-brainers. They don’t stress you out and you can leave them go with the person you trust and the piece of the puzzle gets done correctly and you don’t give 2 thoughts to it.

It’s the pieces of the puzzle you leave to people you don’t know (or trust) that cause the most brain aneurysms, anxiety and lead to the most problems.

What if you knew personally every person you needed to know to be a success at your business?

That’s the power of networking. Even if you only know 75% of the people you need to accomplish pieces of the puzzle that make your business enterprise work. Grow. Thrive. Those 75% probably know the other 25% you need and can refer you to them.

Networks of good people that know each other and that wouldn’t think of using dishonest tactics in a business or personal transaction is the ultimate!

If you started writing out all the people you know, you could come up with 100 people. I KNOW you could. Think about it…  You could come up with 100 people probably as a minimum from your high school graduation class. You could probably come up with another 10 that lived on your street. From there you could come up with another 30 you’ve worked with. 10 you’ve dated. 10 relatives.

That’s 160 people minimum you probably know and can try to find in Facebook or other social networking platform. Facebook is kind of like the MySpace for adults. There are other sites coming out almost weekly… I tried LinkedIn - but I don’t enjoy it nearly as much because it seems to be all business… I do business with friends. I want to know - what their kids are doing, what they look like, what their hobbies are - where they’ve traveled. Facebook gives me all that.

Networking need not be a chore. As I said, I do networking online only a few places and never really in person here in Thailand in person because it’s tough to meet like-minded people. Online can be where you do all your networking. Start with Facebook and see who you’re able to re-establish ties with. You may find friends of friends that can do pieces of the puzzle for you. You might find strangers and then realize you’re connected by one friend in common - you write that friend and get an assessment of the person. “Could I trust Joe Schmo with a $15,000 SEO campaign? No? Ok, thanks a lot I appreciate it.” This thanks was worth $15,000.

Networking need not be work and it need not be uninteresting. You need not put yourself in places you don’t want to be. There is a critical mass of people online - your friends are there. If they’re not - they probably can’t do anything for your business, your aspirations. Not that they aren’t worth having as friends - but I’m just saying…. Those that can help are out there somewhere online - they can help and you can help some of them too. USE YOUR FRIENDS. Your network IS your group of friends. Use your friends to make more friends you trust. There’s no better way to do business than with people you trust.

Look at the alternative… Going to a company that does SEO or whatever, cold - without them knowing you or you knowing them. They use black hat SEO techniques, charge you a lot of money and you’re happy for a few months until Google penalizes your site and you lose more than you gained. You also lose what you paid the strangers to optimize your site.

Don’t do business with companies. Do business with people that know you and that have a vested interest in keeping you happy.

Give your money repeatedly to those that care what’s happening with that money. Don’t trust strangers to do the right thing…

:)

Best of Life!

Vern

I frequently get asked a question by new friends and old friends once they realize it.

“Why don’t you wear any jewelry or even a watch?”

I’ve got this idea in my head that jewelry, watches, hair, clothes and tattoos don’t add anything to “me” that I want added to me. Like shaving my head… hair adds a dimension I don’t need to deal with. Nothing positive comes out of having a head of hair. It pulls my attention toward something that doesn’t make a bit of difference in my life - strands of shiny protein growing like wild weeds on my head. Could I keep them tamed down enough to fit into American society? Sure I could. But, is there a point to that?

As I mentioned in a previous article, “Cheating on Your Spouse? Consider this…” one of the major cravings in life is sex. If you look good to others in society you’re going to have a hell of a time ignoring this subject while you’re married. It’s essential to ignore it while you’re married though. If you’re devastatingly good looking like a Brad Pitt - having looks, cash and free time you’re doomed. Cutting off the hair on your head - as a man or woman is a great start. People will treat you differently - more objectively. Not based on your looks. The rest of my appearance sort of adheres to that same idea. There’s no need to impress anyone with what I’m wearing.

Shaving my head and not having jewelry is not a reaction to society. I’m not rebelling. Years ago I looked at the watch I had on my wrist and wondered why it was there. What is it doing for me? Aren’t I surrounded by clocks? There was a clock in my car, in my office, at various points all over the company I worked at. There was a clock in my phone and on my notebook and desktop computers. There was a clock on everyone elses wrist. Why did I need one? Though my watch was a gift - I put it in a drawer and haven’t put it on since.

Wearing necklaces stopped as I entered the Air Force years ago - I’d lost many over the years and always replaced them. The last one I lost at 18 years old and never replaced it.

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Bracelets - I’ve never worn a bracelet until recently here in Thailand. Let me explain… as part of going to the temple there are these Buddhist nuns that sit inside the temple and wait for foreigners to come in so they can put these braided brown bracelets on their wrist and get them to sign the guest book. Now - I don’t care personally about wearing one of these, but on the other hand - when someone wants to put it on me because it means something to them - I don’t want to be rude by refusing. Thais’ have this concept of ‘face’ that’s hard for westerners to understand but I’ve got a pretty good handle on it now. To refuse anything offered causes the other person to lose face.

So - I keep the bracelet on as long as it remains a neither positive or negative consequence. It’s when it starts to smell that I take it off.

I don’t wear a ring - even when I am married. To me the idea of putting a ring on as a symbol of marriage is simply ridiculous. The symbol of my marriage is what I do with my wife every day. How I treat her. How I show her that I love her. The ring is an external symbol to others that I can afford a gold ring and a diamond and gold ring for my wife. It’s also a comment on my relationship status which is not anyone’s business but mine. Some women pay more attention to guys with wedding rings. Why is that? I don’t need that kind of woman around me when I’m married. When I’m single - hell yes. But I’m not going to wear a wedding ring when I’m single either. When married - no point. I don’t get wedding rings. I don’t wear them.

I haven’t needed glasses so far - so that’s a non-issue. I’m not sure if I’d choose to wear glasses or contacts. The choice would be made entirely on what felt best and made the most sense… do contacts feel good? Is the experinece better than glasses? If yes, I’d wear them. If I couldn’t get used to the routine of sticking them in my eyes everyday and if I often lost them in my eye-socket I’d wear glasses. Would I wear some cool style of glasses that cost me $300+. Nah. My glasses would be the most basic glasses that exist. If I could find frames for $15, I’d buy those.

My clothes are unremarkable. I’m lucky enough to live where I don’t need a lot of clothes. I’ve got 3 pair of shorts and about 9 shirts. My shoes are sport sandals - almost 3 years old. They don’t smell and they’re very comfortable. Nobody would call them fashionable by any stretch, but they are “Nike” brand. I do a lot physically and Nike sport sandals have served me very well for 8 years, I’ll buy another pair when these wear out. Not because they’re Nikes, but because they are built very well and so far have taken the torture of climbing up and down more than 692,000 steps at a local mountain temple over the past 10 months. That’s a tough shoe!

I’ve one pair of pants and some thin nylon sweatpants.

The nicest shirt I have cost $9 USD at the store, new. Most of my clothes are used as I can buy them for $2-3. You might think it’s easy to dress down living in Thailand and blogging for a living. It is. However, if I moved back to the USA - to Hawaii most likely, I wouldn’t change what I wore with the exception of probably needing to buy some pants to keep up with the company dress code. As much as I’d like to continue blogging as my only income maker - in Hawaii I’d need to get another job as well. In the states I think it’d be easy to get by on $15 jeans or other cotton casual dress pants and a $10 shirt.

My choice of clothes is somewhat of a reaction to society and the crazy ideal that people in business try to adhere to. There was a time when I bought expensive pants, shirts and shoes. Why? I thought I had to fit in. I was in management at a resort firm in Hawaii. I was the marketing manager. I thought I had to dress with $100+ silk aloha shirts and Polo pants everyday. I spent a hell of a lot on clothes. When I think back to that time - I ask myself - who was I impressing? Other people at my job? Those that I saw at our hotels and timeshares everyday? What would have happened if I didn’t dress like that? Nothing. It was in my mind. Probably it’s in your mind too.

I don’t have tattoos or piercings. I don’t want anyone to look at me because I have a design on my arm that is similar to hundreds of others people have already seen. The nicest tattoo I’ve ever seen was on my friend Justin, a teacher from Canada (see pic). It was amazing, great color - really great picture. The thing is - I don’t believe our skin was made for pictures. As good as it was I’ll bet I could find 1000 pieces of artwork of the same scene that I like better than the image on his arm. I just don’t ‘get’ tattoos. I don’t understand. I don’t believe I’d have more self-esteem with a tattoo. Probably I’d feel less - like I was silly enough to get a picture on my arm like everyone else because I’m not confident enough in myself to go against what my friends are doing.

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I think there are so few people in this world that are following their own ideas. We want to do what others in a subculture are doing because it makes us feel like we’re rebelling against mainstream society. It’s also to become accepted in the new subculture. We want to go against the grain - but just a little bit. Rarely does someone want to really rebel against society. If he did he might pierce part of a metal door through the skin of his scalp and carry around the door all day. You don’t see that too often. You don’t see someone tattoo polka dots the size of a quarter all over their body either. Or stars. Snowflakes. That’d be different. Why doesn’t anyone do that?

So, for me - I think that the less someone is looking at my clothes, my jewelry, and my tattoos - the better. I’m more interesting than that. I’m more approachable than someone looking like a magazine ad for Polo. Interact with ME, not what I’m wearing. Not what you see. Interact with what’s in my head -not on the outside of my head.

So, that’s why I don’t wear jewelry… and a lot more!

Best of Life!

Vern

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This applies to a man or a woman, though a woman would probably have much more success with it. What have you got to lose? Just your marriage if you don’t try it!

Cut off all the hair from your head.

In 1996 as I began to meditate I realized something about the way women looked at me. They lusted after me to put it bluntly. I’m not Brad Pitt and I’m not a political powerhouse or wealthy mogul. But I realized something back then. I’m pretty damn attractive. Too attractive to have these women drooling over me because I was newly married and didn’t need the aggravation. Come on guys, you know what I’m talking about. (I hope this came across as humor!)

So, I was recently married and I was getting the usual eye-traffic coming my way at the university where I was finishing up graduate school. Being a student of psychology I enjoyed doing little social experiments to see if I could learn something about life. After a visit to see my brother in New York I decided I’d cut my hair down to about one eighth of an inch and see if people looked at me differently. My brother, who has been effectively bald since the age of twenty-one told me that not having hair is different than having hair. People don’t treat him the way they treat me because I have hair. He seemed to be jealous of me having hair when he didn’t - especially since I was older by four years.

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My head was shaved in the Air Force years before - but that was done at the base where every man’s head was shaved. I wanted to see - does hair make a difference in how people treat me? Specifically, I wanted to see - do women treat me in a different way than when I had hair. Friends and strangers - were there differences that I could perceive?

I bought some clippers and put on the #1 level plastic piece. A “1″ is a close cut. It’s 1/4 to 1/8″ of an inch. It took all of five minutes to clip it all off. Wow. I went from a preppy and adorable full head of dirty blond hair down to stubble in minutes. It was comical to look at myself in the mirror. Already I knew the answer - people would definitely treat me differently. I couldn’t even come to grips with the new look for a few days.

Over the next few weeks I noticed a very real change in the way my friends treated me.

The most common question asked was, WHY did you do that? Apparently the shock of reality was almost too much for my female friends who thought me attractive before. They said things like, “It looked so much better before.” “Why do you want to look like a skinhead?” Apparently my head was so white because my hair was blond that I looked like a skinhead to some. I didn’t act like a skinhead any more than I did with hair - but, this was the reaction I got from some people. Apparently the stubble-head incites fear in some. I guess I did look skinheadish - but inside I couldn’t have been further from that.

I noticed a huge difference in the behavior of strangers toward me. Prior to shaving my head I got a fair number of looks my way during the day. I think everyone at the university gets their fair share of looks since out of 35,000 students there must be 100 that think any person looks good enough to make eye contact with.

Well, after I shaved my head I didn’t get the usual looks and eye contact that I got before. I still got some - and it wasn’t from people staring because I looked like a skinhead. I don’t think anyway. I began to get looks from a different type of person that I didn’t get looks from before. Bad girls. Girls with tattoos and smoking outside the classrooms, even teenagers would look at me quite a bit more and smile. It was bizarre. When I had hair I can’t remember ever having a bad girl look my way or go out of her way to make eye contact with me. When I had no hair - apparently they thought I was a bad boy and that appealed to them.

With friends they seemed to distance themselves from me a little bit. It seemed like they acted more seriously toward me and didn’t joke around or flirt as much if they were girl friends.

Anyway - a very interesting experiment that you should try as a man. As a woman I think you would experience really profound differences in the way men and other women treated you. Some would look at you as if you had turned lesbian. Some would think you a skinhead. Some would think you have a medical problem. Some would think you had a mental problem.

I’m considering making social experiments a part of this web site. I have a few more to share with you from growing up in the USA - but, since now I’m in Thailand - I wonder about the generalizability of experiments I do here. Would you still find them interesting? Not sure.

Here in Thailand I’ve shaved my head - sometimes with a razor (see pic) - just so I don’t have to think about hair being mashed down by my motorbike helmet. It’s cooler and nobody gives me strange looks here. The Thai women also have a similar reaction as in America. Less looks after I clip or shave my head. It’s really strange to realize the effect first-hand.

So - if you’re cheating or plan on cheating or could see yourself cheating - shave your head as soon as possible. Use a razor and go totally hairless if you’re just too sexy for your own good.  See how sexy you are then.

Huh?  Still too sexy?  Shave your legs and arms too.

STILL?  Shave your eyebrows smooth and pluck your eyelashes.

STILL??????? Ok, Ok, see a professional I can’t help.

Best of Life!

Vern

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I was reading another post about 5 Simple tricks to help you win any argument here… and I thought of a few more… so, there are 5 at that url - and thanks to them for giving me the idea for a great post!

6. Only argue one specific point. I notice that most arguments people attempt to suck me into start out as one thing in my mind, and a different thing in the other person’s mind. QUICKLY identify in your mind what the disagreement is - and ask the person so you can at least be on the same page… Most often I’m not in disagreement with the other person about what they THINK I am… when we define the exact point that we disagree on, sometimes the argument disappears.

7. Use, “God told me that (insert crux of your argument here)…”. Here in Thailand I spent the first almost 2 years telling Thai people this. They were at a total loss for what to do or say after that as they feared contradicting my religion. Whose gonna argue with god? Well, they don’t here anyway. Even if your opponent doesn’t fall for it and calls you nuts, at least you broke up the atmosphere and lightened everything up.

8. Sometimes I put my thumb and forefinger together up close to my face - in the vicinity of my mouth… I exaggerate the movement of touching them together hard… I then do a trick that looks like I’m pulling an imaginary thread across my mouth… if done correctly it almost resembles the closing of a zipper. Yes, that’s it - a zipper over the mouth. Sometimes that works (with children). Sometimes not. I use it with my girlfriend here and again, it lightens up the atmosphere and we can either keep arguing or that stops it because it’s too silly.

9. If I’m really feeling testy I’ll make a fist with one hand and start punching my other, open hand. I put on a very strange face - like, “go ahead and keep it up”… I stop looking at them and I just focus intensely on my two hands and that motion… usually the other person gets the idea… and we both end up laughing hard…

10. Bring other people into it. If you are SURE that you’ll have the general consensus and most normal people would agree with your side of the point, then bring others into the argument. First you gotta make sure that there are ‘normal folks’ around you during the argument. I’ve done this in the general public, and, as a man let me tell you that NOBODY will side with you when a man is arguing with his girlfriend. Nobody. Little kids will give you mean looks too. Other than that situation, if you are surrounded by normal folks and you aren’t arguing with your spouse… the argument situation changes because… it frees you up to think of more devastating attacks on the other person, and your opponent will quickly tire of arguing with more than 1 person.

Ok, those are my tips. Hope they’re helpful. Please let me know if you have success with one of these techniques.

Best of Life!

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